The Very First History Class (B.C. = Because)

Okay, class…CLASS!!! Settle down. Sit on your rocks. My name is Mr. Neanderthalensis, but you can call me “Mr. N.” If there is anybody who does not have paper or pencil, don’t worry about it because they have not been invented yet. Let’s go over the class rules. One: I talk, you listen. Two: I teach, you learn. Three: You do anything I don’t like, I whack you on the head with a big stick.

All right, quick show of hands… how many of you are going to pay attention, study hard, and do your homework, so that you can eventually become Homo sapiens? No one?!! Did I mention that I have a big stick? How many of you are... Two of you. Excellent!

Before we begin today’s lesson, let me give you a basic idea of where we sort of think we are in history. As you know, there are gobs of stones around here. Some of the bigger ones we use for furniture, like the rocks you are sitting on right now. Qwarrg, spit out those worms! We have no idea why or when this will happen, but we have guts -- and feelings in them -- that we are going to do lots of great things with stones. We will probably throw stones at birds, small animals, and bad hominids. We might hit two stones together, and make sparks and start fires. Banging bigger stones against smaller stones will miraculously produce knives, axes, spears, and piles of little stone chips. For fun, perhaps we’ll skip stones across water. Sometimes we probably will just stare at stones and think how lucky we are to live in a place with lots of stones.

Now, does anyone have any idea what this period in history will be called? Good try, Uggrok, but no, it will not be called the “Industrial Revolt.” Sorry, Kraratzz, it will not be called the “Dumb People Time.” I gave you a hint when I talked about stones. This period of history will be known as “Between a Rock and a Hard Place” or, more commonly, the “Stoned Age.” Key dates: yesterday, dim, daylight, dark.

A bit more exciting information before we move on to the actual lesson! Herrgorr, no fires in class!! I’ll be frank with you, but remember, call me “Mr. Jones."

I have absolutely no idea what this means, but I saw it carved in a tree stump: Domain–Eukarya (or google.com); Kingdom–Animalia (or Saudi Arabia); Phylum–Chordata (or flash-drive); Class–Mammalia (or Hooters); Order–Primates (or 1, 2, 3, etc.); Family–Hominidae (or “The Mob”); Tribe–Hominini (or Apache); Genus–Homo (or Hetero); People–Hard (or Stone). There will be a quiz when the big bright round thing in the sky comes up two more times.

Now, let’s begin the lesson. Skragbrra, no rats!! Today we will learn everything --that I can remember, because we all have limited cranial capacity -- that has happened since the beginning of us…Man.

When the big bright round thing in the sky came up the last time before this time, we men woke up, scratched ourselves, told the women to keep an eye out for large-fanged animals and lava flows, grabbed our sticks and stones, and headed out of the cave to hunt some humongous furry monster with great big tusks, which we call Ahhrrrr! Everybody take a look at this drawing on the cave wall, and say, “Ahhrrrr!” “Blerggraf!” Let’s try it again; say, “Ahhrrrr!” “Rrrrhha!” Okay, we’ll work on that.

So, we men sat for hours and hours, or at least we think we did because of course at this point we have no idea what an hour is. Anyway, we sat for a long time waiting and played Crud, a very, very early version of Craps. Finally, an Ahhrrrr came along and we threw our sticks and stones at it. Then we yelled a much worse version of crud and ran like hell back to the cave.

The women asked why we were back so soon, so we told them that we didn’t find any Ahhrrrr. The women asked us what happened to our sticks and stones. We made man’s first major relationship mistake; we told the women that we lost our sticks and stones playing Crud. The women yelled at us: “You Neanderthals! You can cook your own damn dinner!”

Next class we will review what happened today. Homework, ask your dad about Ahhrrrr! Use stones to make a food chain. Quiz on Thursday, whatever and whenever that is; it could be history.