Sir Isaac Newton’s Paradox: “What’s Up with Apples Falling Down?”

Anyone who paid any attention in junior high science class (we realize that is not very many people, current junior high students included) has at least a vague recollection of Newton’s Three Laws of Motion, but let us review: (1) Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to the object [Example―car A traveling at 45 mph will continue traveling at that speed until it rear-ends car B, at which point the driver of car A might stop texting]; (2) The relationship between an object's mass “m,” its acceleration “a,” and the applied force “F” is F = ma [Example―if a hammer of mass 1 lb. were accelerated to 5 feet-per-second, and the hammer whacked a person’s thumb, the equation would be F = ma#!@&!!]; and (3) For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction [Example―if you are a married man and you act in any way remotely related to anything that your wife perceives in any way as uncomplimentary to her, her reaction will result in you sleeping on the couch]. However, while lesser known, Newton’s Law of Motion 3(a) states: Once a man is on a couch, no amount of force can remove a man from the couch; obviously, Law 1 does not apply to the man, and applying Law 2―with the man’s “a” being 0―results in F = m0, or F = 0]. Now, let us consider “Newton’s Apple.”

Centuries ago, at about 3:45 p.m., Sir Isaac “Fig” Newton was wandering around in an apple orchard when he observed an apple fall to the ground from a nearby tree. His first scientifically provocative thought was: “Hmmm.” Upon further reflection, Newton―who, although only 5-feet 6-inches tall, was a giant in the fields of mathematics, physics, and astronomy, but NOT agriculture―decided to more carefully evaluate the event of a falling apple. He considered contacting William Tell to ask if he would attempt to shoot an arrow at an apple balanced on Isaac’s head, but abandoned the idea when he realized that W.T. had been dead for approximately 100 years. However, Sir Newton’s finely-tuned mind―which he nicknamed “The Scientific Method”―soon comprehended one of the now universally-accepted laws of theoretical and applied physics: apples grow on apple trees. From this monumental revelation Newton secured himself a cameo appearance, as a marble statue, in the movie Angels and Demons(sequel to The da Vinci Code, which one is cautioned not to confuse with The da Vinci Morse Code) and a prestigious place in history by deducing the following absolutely astoundingly brilliant corollaries, collectively known as Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica (Newton’s Figs or Fig Newtons: “What goes up must come down/Spinning Wheel got to ’round.” Sorry…those are lyrics from the song “Spinning Wheel”; this writer prefers the version by Blood, Sweat, and Tears.)

1. Apple trees can always be found in an apple orchard.

2. While all apple trees in an apple orchard must be apple trees, not all trees in an apple orchard must be apple trees.

3. A fruit growing on a tree other than an apple tree is not an apple.

4. Money does not grow on trees―apple trees or any trees.

5. An apple must always first grow on an apple tree before it can fall from the tree.

6. An apple must always be sufficiently ripe before it can break free from its stem.

7. An apple-a-day keeps the doctor away.

8. An observer of a falling apple must always be sufficiently close to the tree from which the apple falls, so as to observe the actual falling of the apple.

9. An observer of a falling apple must always be a scientist, nobleman, or man of “high social status,” so as to recognize the apple is, in fact, falling; a commoner is unqualified for such judgement.

10. A person named Johnny who chooses to meander all over hell-and-creation randomly tossing apple seeds everywhere, will either be institutionalized or considered “nuts” but well-intentioned, and given the moniker “Crazy-man Appleseed.”

11. A falling apple must always be observed during its condition of falling to be considered a valid “falling apple.”

12. An observer of a falling apple must always observe the apple falling for the complete duration of the condition of falling; from the tree branch to the ground (including any bouncing or rolling) until the apple is “at rest,” or―in scientific terminology―stopped.

13. An observer who violates number 12 will be subject to disqualification, as will the apple.

14. One bad apple spoils the whole bunch; good thing that it’s bananas that grow in bunches.

15. An apple in the condition of falling, or “in motion,” will remain in motion until acted upon by an external force, such as hitting the ground. (See Newton’s First Law of Motion, paragraph 1, above.)

16. When life gives you apples, make hard cider! You could also eat them, bake a nice pie…use them as you so desire; give them away, sell them, throw them out―it really does not matter.

17. An observer―who did not observe a specific apple (or specific apples) fall from an apple tree to the ground―who sees an apple (or apples) on the ground can never infer, induce, or deduce (nor deduce, induce, or infer) that any single apple arrived in its position on the ground by the action of falling from an apple tree.

18. An observer as described in number 17 can never conclude that if an apple (or apples) fell from an apple tree to the ground that any noise was made when the apple (or apples) hit the ground. Similarly, should such an observer come upon an entire apple tree fallen on the ground, he/she can never conclude that any noise was made when the tree hit the ground.

19. In future times, the word “apple” may be appropriate for the part of nickname of a major American city, as well as a name of computer-based company (although I have no idea what America or a computer is).

After the falling-apple incident and the development of the powerful mind-boggling corollaries listed above, Newton spent years doggedly trying to make sense of what he had witnessed in the apple orchard. In the early 1700s, he wrote in his journal: “Verily, I am vexed and filled by my vexation (and bit of brandy)! Lo, these many long years and yet I still can only wonder, marvel, and hypothesize at what makes an apple fall down to the ground. Why does it not rise upward into the air, or move sideways, or in whatever direction it is so inclined? Perhaps apples are attracted to the Earth; as if they feel the Earth is comely or handsome. Perhaps the Earth feels attracted to apples in a similar fashion; but that could not be, because I did not observe the Earth moving upward to join the apple! Yet again, maybe the entire affair involves some unknown, ethereal, or even magical force, such as, say, gravity―which I stridently urge some fellow scientist to discover as soon as possible! I take no satisfaction in writing these words: BEATS ME! Forsooth, at best I can surmise that apples are a strange and fickle fruit which have quite unusual inexplicable properties, but at least they are a healthy snack.”