ANCIENT MARINERS APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

(“IF IT DON’T FLOAT, IT’S NOT A GOOD BOAT.”) Congratulations on deciding to begin, or continue, your dynamic career in the exciting, historic, and long-honored profession of Ancient Marinership! Here’s a quick bit of advice to those hearty souls who dream, as you surely should, to be first-time (or continuing) mariners, or as you will be known, Bait. Old Salts are well-experienced with the many unpredictable moods of our fair mistress, The Sea; her smiles, her frowns, her ups, her downs, her joys...wait, sorry, mates…I was thinking about lyrics from “My Fair Lady.” So, back to the moods of The Sea; her calm, her rough, her patience, her anger, her squalls, her storms, her typhoons, her sharks, her joy, her sadness, her serenity, her fury, et cetera and epsilon. Aye, ’tis true, she can be a maiden and a shrew. But the most urgent caution must hereby be offered the first-time mariner: BEWARE THE DULLDRUMS! Yea, take heed!! Many a mariner has suffered through the dulldrums (meaning “drums that are dull”), wherein there is no wind for days and the mariners listen to the incessant dull beating of drums, and the mariners row along with beat of the dull drums. This unique experience has caused more than one seasoned (paprika is preferred) mariner to scream: “Why don’t we use the motors?” The shrewd captain always calms the crew by responding, “They haven’t been invented yet. Scallywags be damned!”

There are two versions of this application. Version 1 must be completed by all applicants who are applying for employment with more than 10 minutes remaining prior to any vessel’s scheduled departure on a voyage of excitement and adventure!! Since many of you cannot read or write, of course you do not understand what you are currently looking at, and you should ask for assistance from the very knowledgeable, courteous, and helpful Ancient Mariners Recruiting Officer, Nigel “Stumps” Bastardson, Pier 13, Shack 7. Version 2 can only be completed by those applicants who are applying for employment with less than 10 minutes remaining prior to any vessel’s scheduled departure on a voyage of excitement and adventure!! Please note that Officer Bastardson will have you complete the Version 1 application after the vessel is underway at sea, on its voyage of excitement and adventure!! We recommend that you complete the application while conscious and sober, but it really does not matter. May the wind always be at your back, or somewhere!

Silas “The Squid” Maroon III Director (Posthumous) ANCIENT MARINERS ASSOCIATION (AMA), Inc. Mariner Dynamic Career Employment Application Version 1 (Form AM-101) A. Personal Information: 1. Last Name __________________ First Name _________________ 2. Aliases (such as “Marco! Marco! POLO!!”) ______________________________ 3. Nick, or nack, names (such as “Scuzz” or “Figurine”) _______________________________ 4. Country of Birth (if known or remembered) _______________________ 5. Date of Birth (year only: if known or remembered) ___________ 6. Person to Notify in Case of Emergency _____________________________________ (Note: Emergencies rarely occur, and when they do, most of the time everyone is dead; and if someone is still alive, he probably will not know who you are, and if he does, he probably won’t know who to contact, and if he does, he will probably have no way to do so, and if he does, he probably won’t bother, but if he does, it will probably take between 10 years and never before the bottle with the note arrives anywhere at all.) 7. References (do not use dead people, spirits, or animals) ___________________________ 8. Organ Donor Card #: _______________ 9. I believe (Check any or all applicable): □ In Santa Claus, and/or the Easter Bunny, and/or the Tooth Fairy. □ The world is flat. □ The world is round. □ The world is flat and round. □ I never thought/think about the shape of the world. □ I never thought/think about the shape of the world. Let’s find out!! □ I don’t care about the shape of the world. I care about the shape of mermaids!! □ There is a world? □ Huh? 10. Preferred destination (cannot be guaranteed) circle one: ·Paradise ·Tropical Islands ·Atlantis ·Land ·The Moon ·Ocean ·Las Vegas ·Somewhere ·Anywhere

B. Experience (Check all applicable): □ Starvation, dehydration, devastation □ Swearing “like a sailor” □ Making up bawdy limericks □ Singing absurd ballads □ Climbing: masts, nets, corporate ladders, rocks, etc. □ Abusing tobacco: smoking, chewing, spitting, sniffing, etc. □ Spotting a hazard and/or a haphazard □ Spotting land, any land, and telling someone (!!!) □ Spotting enemies (“bad guys” worse than us) □ Surviving storms, shipwrecks, and ship-building □ Surviving famine, pestilence, madness, near-death □ Getting lost □ Throwing up □ Making things ship-shape □ Eating horrible food □ Falling: __ on deck __ overboard □ Caring for a parrot □ Drinking alcohol (heavily) □ Tying knots □ Giving it the heave-ho □ Hoisting and/or toting □ Drowning (almost) □ Ropes: pulling, climbing, swinging on □ Swimming: __ Aquaman __ I was a lifeguard __ I can swim __ I have a mask and snorkel __ I can tread water __ I can float __ I can float, holding onto a floating mariner □ Being tortured: __ whipped __ beaten __ marriage __ starved __ listening to rap

__ keel-hauled__ the rack __ divorce __ drawn/sketched-and-quartered

__ watching “chick flicks” __ other □ Being wounded: __ only on the “inside” __ stabbed/slashed/cut __ shot

__ verbal abuse __ burned__ blown up __ broken heart __ concussion __ blunt force trauma (clobbered)__ loss of body part(s) __ other □ Fighting: __ fists__ chance __ elbows __ looks __ feet __ ankle-bone-connects-to (without weapons) __ knees __ swagger __ head __ hope __ teeth (a few) __ disease

__ words □ Fighting (with weapons) __ broken bottles __ knife __ sword __ lawyers __ axe

__ bow__ pistol __ fish __ harpoon __ cannon __ oar __ sticks and/or stones __ lance __ chain__ harmonica __ anchor __ other □ Speak foreign languages (list): __________________________________________

C. Certifications (Check all applicable): □ __Cursing __ Drifting __Floating __Pillaging __CPR __Swabbing __Bawdiness □ __Sailing __Drinking __Spotting __Fishing __Starving __Other

D. General Questions: 1. ___ True ___ False The ocean is big and wet.

2. ___ True ___ False “Capsizing” is an age-old tradition of fitting new swabbies for their hats. 3. ___ Yes ____ No Are you now, or have you ever been, a pirate? 4. ___ Yes ____ No Do you consider it a compliment if called a “scallywag”? 5. You see this ahead of the ship. You should yell: a. “Good Lord!” b. “Land ho!” c. “#L@!MYN! Rocks!!!” d. “REALLY?!” 5. ___ Yes ___ No Are you allergic to Dramamine? 6. ___ Yes ___ No Have you ever led or participated in a mutiny? 7. ___ Yes ___ No Do you have your own eye-patch and bandana?

8. Fooled ya! 9. ___ Yes ___ No Can you tell the difference between starboard and “the other side”? 10. ___ Yes ___ No Do you enjoy grub? 11. ___ Yes ___ No Do you consume poor quality rum? 12. ___ Yes ___ No Do you know the definition of “matey”? 13. ___ Yes ___ No Do you have tattoos? Lots? 14. ___ Yes ___ No Do you have body piercings? Yeah! 15. ___ Yes ___ No Do you have criminal record? If “No” explain why not? (Write answer on back of page.) If “Yes” list the crimes (The more the better. Write answer on back of page.)

E. Medical Information 1. Medical Coverage: While serving on an AMA-licensed vessel, all Ancient Mariners are covered by a comprehensive health plan, including: (a) in case of illness, all vessels carry an ample supply of rum; and (b) in case of death, you will be ceremoniously dumped overboard. 2. Have you or members of your family ever had any of the following (Check all applicable):

□ over-active bladder □ lunacy, insanity, paranoia □ loss of limbs (unexplained) □ scurvy or swavy □ rickets (“Don Rickles Disease”) □ malaria □ acid reflux and/or flatulence □ dip-theria or dope-theria □ tuberculosis □ the common cold or the common hot □ small, medium, or large pox □ chicken or rooster pox □ angry bovine (mad cow) disease □ “BS” disease □ XXXXXX □ hypertension (being hyper AND tense) □ alcoholism □ erectile malfunctions □ phobias (planks, crow’s nest, etc.) □ yellow or any other color fever □ ADD, ADHD, ABC, COPD, ESPN □ Influenza (flu, flown, flying, etc.) □ typhus (NOT typhoons) □ male pattern baldness □ male pattern dumbness □ cholera □ Bubonic Plague (“Black Real-Bad Death”) □ dementia □ hallucinations (not caused by substance use)

E.  Essay Question:  Would you willingly and arbitrarily kill an albatross, thereby condemning the entire crew to a series of mysterious and terrifying events, after which everybody, except you, dies a horrific death?  (Write answer on back of page.)

Extra Credit:        Which of the following do you think is found at the “ends of the earth”? (Check all that apply)

□  Fire         □   Monsters              □   A Giant Waterfall            □ What?

□  Ice              □   Treasure               □   The New World

□  Fire and Ice       □   Earth                    □ "babes"

Signature (printed, cursive, “X” mark, thumbprint, blood, sweat, tears, etc.) Mariner Dynamic Career Employment Application Version 2 (Simplified Form AM-101)

1.     ____ Yes ____ No   Are you alive?

2.     ____ Yes ____ No   Are you a man?

No Signature Required